Somehow this conversation came up at the coop the other day. We all sort of skirted around it. But as a writer, I find when complicated ideas start to haunt me I feel the need to write about them.
The Great Oz. Powerful. Scary. Epically bad special effects. LOL But the idea embodied in the character is powerful. Behind the curtain is a small little man afraid people will find out who he is, how little he is, how little power he has. Afraid they will not like or respect him if they know who he is.
I often feel like OZ. Sure, I am funny and charming. It attracts many. It also keeps most at arms distance. I like them there. I am safe behind my curtain. I use humor and charm as that curtain. Most people are more than happy with this. I am careful to limit the time I spend with them. To leave them laughing.
Because I am safe behind the curtain. Behind the curtain you don’t know how insecure I really am. How afraid I am that you will not like or respect me.
In the last 6 months or so I have tried to be more open with people. To share more about me. Tentative little steps. And I have found people push back, hard. They don’t want to know I am insecure. They don’t want to know I too struggle. They want me to be funny and charming and strong and help them with their emotional baggage.
Which makes me wonder, was the Great OZ protecting just himself behind that curtain or was he protecting the land of OZ as well….
T.A. Henry 
So one day long ago when I was still single, Rick and I were in a lunch restaurant in downtown Seattle, close to the Ferry Terminal. (We were just friends then.) There’s this painting on the wall behind him- odd art like what you might find in trendy downtown Seattle, I dubbed it. I was just a simple person, I thought. But what in the world did it MEAN? Finally he noticed my distraction.
“What are you looking at?” he asked me.
“That painting behind you. I can’t figure it out.” I answered.
He glanced behind. The painting was of muted beige and blended gray walls, that had holes like swiss cheese. Through the holes were shooting these people, in identical molded to their bodies spandex-type suits. They were both male and female. One quick look was enough for him to decipher what I had been puzzling about for a half-hour.
“Oh that,” he said. Then he proceeded to explain to me what it meant. You see, in life, no matter our station, we keep up walls, but every now and then, we come out of our walls and our true inner self is shown.
“Wow,” I said, but inside I was thinking- Someone ought to marry this man.
The point is, beyond the smart of my husband, since he’s already taken- ha ha, that you are very brave to come out beyond your wall of entertaining the world.
Going biblical, I think when Jesus says we must enter the kindgom of Heaven like a child, one of the things He means is this: children are open. They don’t hold back their inner selves at all. We grow up and learn to do so. Not to protect us, but like you said, all of OZ. Imagine a bunch of adults in business suits wailing in frustrated passion at the top of their lungs because their chocolate chip cookie fell on the ground. But even though we humans learn to adult together, God wants us honest.
All of that said, you must be a very special and sweet person down inside there, since what you choose to show us makes us laugh a bit and like you.
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wow. You amaze me. And can I just say my mental imager is still making me laugh at the business suited people crying over their cookies.
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Yeah, I like that one too…lol. It is what you kinda want to do. Or at least wail a little.
That was indeed a wise comment from Winney too.
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Most folk don’t seem to know who they are so can’t cope with you showing a deeper side of you … I’ve kept myself to a few … mind you writing doesn’t half expose you!
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LOL.
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I agree being somewhat selective is important. Consider the way that person relates to you and the purpose of that relationship in your life, perhaps. And more importantly, how do they treat you even when you’re entertaining them. Do they take more than they give and dish out sarcasm and dirt, or do they laugh and perhaps turn to something more serious. And if someone else says something cutting, do they laugh and jab some more or look at you to see if you’re taking it all ok? In real conversation and relationships, the kind people are the keepers. Banter’s for social media, in my opinion.
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Ooo…very intriguing last question. I would wonder who you are opening up to and more importantly, perhaps, in what situations. Some people are not equipped to listen, and it may be if you’ve been staying at that more superficial level that many people that you have around you are there because they like that. That was your common ground? Or some of the push back might be because it’s a sudden change from what they’ve come to expect from you, perhaps?
I find that most people are glad of real connection and conversation. But then I tend to be either silent, professional, or deep/serious from the get go. Especially if you talk to me one on one, I tend to share some stuff and I’m real in my reactions to your stuff. So I tend to attract people around me who expect and like that. Does that make sense?
I am also reserved by nature, however, so I don’t put a lot out there, but I don’t tend to cover my stuff too much if the situation and type of relationship is appropriate for sharing – like NOT at the grocery store or Zumba, but YES in extended social times, and again, especially one on one.
I’m glad to hear you’re working on coming out of your shell a bit. It’s hard to feel real connection if you’re relating at the surface. And connection is a good thing.
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Heh, because Friends is on in the background I’ve started imagining parallels between the Great and Powerful Oz, who hides behind his curtain and authority, and Chandler Bing, who hides behind his jokes.
At a certain point they’re going to have to accept that you’re a human being with insecurities and vulnerabilities, and it’s either going to be on your terms or when you have some sort of anxiety attack. Maybe if, somewhere in the midst of the tentative steps, you could bring in someone who already gets it to say, “Look at what you’re doing to Chandler!”
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ROFL
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It’s funny…generally, I’m an open book. But my blog is quasi-anonymous, and there are a few things I do keep to myself. They feel random, but they must represent some particular vulnerability…?
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nodding makes sense.
When I tell people “oh I feel that way too.” They usually say “no you don’t.” Like somehow I can’t have insecurities?
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Like I tell the hubs – there’s a big difference between “I feel” and “I am.” You can question/deny the latter but not the former. I feel what I feel….
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