Lately I’ve been listening to Gone Girl on audio while driving about. I haven’t decided whether I like the book or not yet but Amy is constantly ranting about the advice they got when they got married and I remember getting similar advice. Which led to me thinking about whether that was actually good advice or just the crap people say to sound like they know how to make a marriage work. With divorce around 50% nationally (3.2 out of 6.9) you have to think people are full of crap right?
How many of you heard marriage is about compromise? I certainly did.
What I’ve learned however is constant compromise leads to repressed anger, which leads to resenting your spouse. Hello divorce.
Go for the win-win solution. There is always one to be found when you love the person you’re negotiating with.
Never go to bed angry
F that. Go to bed angry. Some situations can not be resolved quickly. And staying up to argue it out so you can go to bed at peace is a bad idea. Why? Because how good are your decision making skills when you’re angry? Now add exhausted to the mix. Yeah. How long before you say something you will regret after a night’s sleep?
Go to bed angry, in separate beds if you need to. Let a little time chill out the negative passions.
Discuss it rationally after a cup of coffee, or three.
This one is actually true. Only how many of us have been taught to effectively communicate? I certainly wasn’t. Which leads me to this one….
Don’t air your dirty laundry
Keep the issues in your marriage within your marriage. You wouldn’t actually wash your clothes at a public drinking fountain, right?
No, but you might go to a laundry mat, cause that’s the appropriate location to wash laundry. If you have issues in your marriage, air that shit in public, at the appropriate location. See a therapist. Talk about what’s going on. Get instruction in communication.
It’s ok to admit you need help. It’s ok to admit you were wrong.
Never let your husband get the upper hand
Yup, somebody actually told me this. More than one somebody actually.
The thing is the hubs and I are a team. So I want him to get the upper hand, as often as possible, because it’s good for me too. Cause we’re on the same team.
Maybe I’m naive but if I can’t be vulnerable, needy, or at my worst with my husband, why the hell did I marry him?
What advice did you get when you got married that you look back and think – huh?
3 thoughts on “I’ve been thinking Thursday: Marriage Advice”
Enjoyed your post, Nice to have a rant. My son (21 and having been told he can’t drive our very old Peugeot to Spain) has just told me I’m manipulative and he hates me. This kind of thing is rare. But it hurts like mad. Can feel all the atoms in my body bouncing around with nowhere to settle. Advice right now would be pretty useless. Peace, quiet and a big dose of ‘remember he doesn’t really mean it’ is the cure. For me, at least.
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At our engagement party we had those write-down-your-marriage-advice cards, and looking through them after the fact was kind of amusing. I think we got an equal number of “never go to bed angry” and “it’s okay to go to bed angry,” and a couple to the tune of “the wife is always right.”
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