So, as the last post from Story Sense, I submit for your review my back of the book blurb.
It’s kind of a pitch, I guess. But I really need to work it over and clean it up before publication. So I am posting for you, my favorite readers, to hack apart with criticism and commentary.
Demobbed from service, rich enough not to need to work, and bored with post World War II London, Molly chances upon a movie poster showcasing the young soldier she gave her heart to in France. Desperate to reconnect with him, she schemes her way onto the movie set where he is staring in the lead role. Molly is certain they will live happily ever after. And they just might. But first Molly has to figure out who she is and what she wants before she can get her happy ending. And she does it all while trying to keep her seams straight.
There’s something wrong here. It sounds flat. Not at all the funny romp I mean it to be. Hrm…Thoughts?
2 thoughts on “Weekend Workshop Sunday Edition”
The first sentence of the pitch works.The rest could seem to be too much passive voice? Dared to tweak it a bit,although the last line lost me:
Demobbed from service, rich enough not to need to work, and bored with post World War II London, Molly chances upon a movie poster showcasing the young soldier she gave her heart to in France. If her scheme works to join the leading man on set, she is certain they will live happily ever after – once she figures out who she is and what she wants. And she does it all while trying to keep her seams straight. (?)
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Since I had the great pleasure of a beta read, I can tell you this sells it a little short, but most of it is on the right track. The first sentence is way too complicated…I would just start it at ‘bored with…’ perhaps insert ‘gave her heart to WHILE SERVING AS A __ in France’. Much clearer and still reveals she served and returned – thus bored.
Maybe use her Lady Molly Leighton full title instead of the first ‘Molly’ and then add something like ‘where she is reduced to simply Molly’ when talking of the set. This would capture her wealth better than saying she’s too rich to work. That makes her un-relatable to me, and in the story, she’s certainly relatable. It would also bring in that title/pomp conflict in a brief way.
Cut it after ‘what she wants’ – the rest of that sentence is repetitive.
You’ve given no clue to what she does to get on set. This seems intentional so I won’t give it away, but I think a reference to her unwittingly finding herself with that new identity/title/ or pastime is important. It shows she does more than bat her eyelashes. The current blurb doesn’t let me see she is much more…and that’s what would make me read the book and what I enjoyed about it most.
I like the seams straight thing, but as evidenced in the comment before mine, it may completely lose those who haven’t read the story. Maybe ‘seams straight on her stockings’??