In Greek mythology Sisyphus was forced to roll a huge boulder up a hill over and over again while it rolled back down each time after all his efforts. He was being punished for his self aggrandizing ways. Maybe that’s my problem. I try to be too much.
Because I feel like Sisyphus. This will not be a funny Fiendish Friday. There is no humor in mudville today. I am wore. Wore by the sheer weight of my own failures.
We’ve read to our son since the day he was born. Not the occasional book when it was convenient for us, but every day, in an ever increasing amount of time. I’ve been teaching him his letters and the sounds they make for more than four years. This year we started our fifth phonics system. We spent August through December going through the letters again and the sounds they make. And yet this morning my son could not tell me what letter comes after D.
Yes, I have considered getting him help but the number of facilities which will see children with Autism Spectrum Disorders is very limited and we are on a waiting list.
My first book is essentially a flop. Oh, sure the 12 people who’ve read it liked it. But when I’ve sold 10% of average…that’s a flop.
Writing isn’t even fun anymore. It’s just one more boulder I roll up the hill only to be flattened by it as it rolls back down. I don’t see the point in spending the time, effort, and money on it anymore. I just create one more thing for my family and friends to do. One more boulder they have to roll up the hill.
My weight loss partner has lost twice as much weight as me. What more can I possibly say about this?
Every day someone has one more thing I SHOULD do. One more thing I should be doing for my son. Twelve more things I should be doing to make my book sell. If you just stopped eating x or ate more y. Just take this position on the board. Just go to this class. Just call ten more places that won’t bother to call you back.
And the problem with all “you should”, it says, time again, I don’t do effort. I am not working hard enough. I am not meeting your expectations.
Like my own expectations for myself aren’t flipping insanely high to start.
You know what you should really do….