Hello my darlings,
It’s been not much writing lately and a lot of writing business. I’m trying to fine tune my back of the book verbiage for The Body in the Pool.
Maybe you’d like to help me with that?
Option A:
Seattle has seen it’s fair share of serial killers, but this time a new demographic needs to watch their backs…successful white males are losing their lives in shockingly public venues.
Detective Spencer Thomas and his task force are 12 murders deep and no closer to finding the Dismember Killer than they were when the first body appeared. The killer is taunting them without leaving in any useful evidence.
With a pregnant wife on bed rest, brass that strips his resources, and the FBI breathing down his neck…the last thing Spence needs is a dead body at an exclusive boarding school. Except now, he’s got one…
Option B:
Whispering Evergreen Academy, boarding school to the troubled elite, just got the worst kind of floater dumped in their pool; a dead one. Another successful white male, left in a public place, is this the 12th body dropped by the Dismember Killer?
Detective Spencer Thomas and his task force hope this time the serial killer has left some evidence they can use. They’ve come up empty so far – no physical evidence, no witnesses, and no surveillance. Will this body be any different?
What do you think? What direction would you go? What would you change? Help me finally finish this blurb so I can publish the darn book.
T.A. Henry 
Option A for sure – it works for me!
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The first paragraph of Option B is wittier which captures your writing style, but Option A is clearer and pulls me into the story. I tripped on ‘but this time’…maybe just ‘now’? Also ‘Except now he’s got one…’ strikes me as weaker than the rest of Option A. Maybe something about got one in the pool or floating in or by or something? I think taking it to the pool in some way would leave me with more punch. Definitely on the right track!
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Good advice. Combining the best parts of A and B
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I like option A better but would strike the word in from this section: “The killer is taunting them without leaving in any useful evidence.”
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I actually prefer Option B. It’s shorter and punchier.
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I ended up sort of weaving them together. Trying to take the best parts of both.
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That makes sense. I’ve done that as well — written a bunch of different descriptions, asked for opinions, and then picked the best bits and smooshed them together. 😀
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Generally, if I like A, B is the better seller. LOL. So I have to get opinions because I clearly have no idea what the masses want.
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